Jonas Beckman

We’re preparing a small, excellent and not quite obvious dinner. Nothing was decided until yesterday. I feel simple and joyful today.

I allow myself to. No, I have not stopped looking at the world. There is so much destruction and madness: drugs, war, lies and betrayals… stupid decisions on every conceivable scale. History repeating itself forever and ever: greed & fear.

I’ve read many books, met many friends, seen many places. I remember too much work and too little. I remember people feeling like geniuses when they were just lucky and I remember humble geniuses. I remember violent sex and surprising acts of kindness… good things and bad things and things that just were. I remember the feeling that everything is about to change and the feeling that nothing ever will.

Next year I will try to make things different and better. But right now I allow myself to be in peace.

This Christmas I had one of my best surprises ever.

I was doing my usual Santa gig: a tired Santa hauling presents out of a big bag, sweating like an old boxer losing that final comeback match. Another year of showering kids with all too-expected gifts: futile and embarrassing.

And then I started reading out loud – and realized most of the presents this year were from the kids to everyone else.

Almost left town in despair, almost abandoned another love out of self-preservation. Did neither. The world is growing again… people are beautiful.

Intense swimming now. I’m taking care of myself, letting thoughts and feelings take all the time they need.

Tomorrow I’ll do the usual Santa gig at my brother’s place. Nobody believes in Santa anymore – but I’ll think of something.

After swimming a long walk in the cold, then an excellent dinner for one at a newfound place in the Old Town. I read the first third of Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair during dinner.

Unusually quiet in the pool, everyone is out shopping. My breathing is more tired than usual, but my stroke is getting better: some laps feel smooth and fast. Outside it’s getting colder: -5.

I talked to Aila on the phone. She had high fever again but tried to be cheerful anyway.

Tonight I’ll watch a dance performance – a friend of mine made the music and will play it live. I’m starting to feel the night calling me again.

The air felt fresh and mild today, almost like spring. I went to another great massage session, then took a walk. I am not in a hurry anywhere today.

Narcissism comes from broken trust: if no one can be trusted anyway, why not use everyone and feel special? Especially if the alternative is to feel like nothing.

A small child has no reason no tell the truth – it wants things and doesn’t understand that others have feelings, too. Some adults get stuck there: if only your own pain feels real, it’s very easy to lie.

We all have some of that in us. I think about the ways I have hurt others and how long it took to realize I wasn’t that special. And I think about using others to deal with unfinished issues, sometimes without knowing it. It’s easy to make mistakes even if you don’t want to harm anyone.

Then I make the breakthrough: some people hurt me for their own reasons, regardless of who I am or what I do. And others try to care for me. But if I lie myself I’ll never know the difference. Choosing who to trust is my own responsibility.

The Digital Millenium Copyright Act is a very controversial law that protects the interests of big media companies to the exclusion of almost everyone else.

Today Russian software company ElcomSoft won a trial that challenged the the use of this law.

NY Time article wonders if the future of science journals is online?

Had lunch with a friend and took a long walk through my teenage neighbourhood. I never listened to the lyrics of that Steely Dan song. But I liked the part about never going back to my old school the very first time I heard it.

For different reasons, both of us had been writing before we met and were very sensitive. In an almost English manner, we didn’t talk much about it.

Creative Commons is a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting the creative reuse of intellectual works. Today they released several machine-readable copyright licenses.

This is a bold attempt to protect the public domain online. Some really good legal minds are trying to use copyright in new ways – I’ll follow this closely.

I stopped believing in a dream recently and was afraid of the way I would feel afterwards. It’s bad but not worse than expected: denial, anger, guilt, bargaining, depression, acceptance etc. Grief is good.

My former business partner mailed me some good news: our old company got an unexpectedly large tax refund. And I already received a personal tax refund. So I guess there will be Christmas presents this year, too.

Unfortunately, my brother’s kids read English these days – and might even browse this page. So Santa is going out now, but won’t tell you where. Ho, ho, ho!